Tooth and Dare

Yet another morning started with the 4-yr old asking to go to the doctor instead of daycare. What is it with the doctor? Or daycare? Unbeknownst to him, this morning was dental checkup day (for all three kids). When he realized he was going to the dentist, he had second thoughts. (Crap, my wish came true - I was really just whining.)

I woke up with a migraine (or as we like to call them "my brain" headaches). And this little trip across the highway made my head scream to be cut off. Thing 1 and 2 did great going back and letting the hygienists work on them. I think one of them started to fall asleep in the chair. That is, until 4-yr old got started.

You know when you go to the pediatrician or some other kid doctor place and there is always one screaming kid and you think to yourself, "God, what are they DOING to that kid?" Yep, that would be mine.

After sitting in the waiting area for about three minutes, one grandmother talked to her daughter on the phone thinking it was her granddaughter being killed behind the door. Pretty soon, the waiting room parents would either eliminate whose child was curling their eardrums or they’d call Fox 6 News to come over. And maybe bring DHR with them. At that point, I ever-so-gently sacheted over to the desk and asked if I needed to go back with my animal child.

The ladies up front kindly escorted me (with a YES, PLEASE! look on their faces) to the torture chamber that had taken 4-yr old hostage. And to look at it, you'd think it was fun with a beautiful room, nice reclining chairs and smiling ladies with toothpaste that smelled like chocolate. Ah, but to the trained 4-year old mind, it is a battlefield - filled with people who are trying to make you lie down and there were shiny metal tools and you were helpless. He couldn't help it. The inner Jack Bauer took over again and he fought with ever ounce of his being. He worked up such a sweat that he smelled like he'd been working with goats on the back 40 all day.

Literally - I had him straddled in my lap lying down on my knees while holding his arms down. This did not, however, keep him from pinching. The hygienist held his head on her legs and tried to clean his teeth while stabilizing his head. All this was mixed in with the sweat and tears, so the kid was like wrestling an octopus. We ended up with toothpaste on our clothes, floor and walls – I AM NOT KIDDING.

And just when I thought that was the worst part of the visit, they tell me Thing 1 had a cavity and Thing 2 had 4! So I'm not sure who I'm ready to kick of the island today. Jack Bauer’s clone with good teeth, child born with bad teeth and one cavity or the Alfred E. Neuman "What, me brush?" kid with 4 cavities.

I've about resigned myself that dad is taking them in six months or I'll need to be committed after my self-inflicted lobotomy.