After Anesthesia

Did you ever see the viral video "David after the dentist?" My eldest son suggested I video him before and after his procedure this morning because he'd never had anesthesia before. I should have listened because OMG it was hilarious!

He saw the doctor yesterday because he was throwing up blood over the weekend. The doctor wanted him to have an endoscopy this morning. Fine, no problem. My kid is 19 and is going to have to get used to the occasionally unpleasant little test here or there. Knowing it was probably an ulcer I wasn't toooo worried.

Before any meds were given - just the IV - he looks over and says, "I don't have a good feeling about this." He starts laying out his will to me verbally. "If the needle breaks off in my arm..."

The nurse said it was plastic.

"Okay, but if I don't wake up... "

And he wants me to know he's an organ donor. And that he wants his ashes spread out over Brazil or somewhere in South America because he wants to be cremated - DO I UNDERSTAND THAT? He wants to be CREMATED!

Okay. Fine. It's just a tube down your throat. Chill.

Not long after they took him back I met with a nurse and then the doctor who confirmed several ulcers and a hernia and possibly an infection. Take the meds and he'll be great. (BIG SIGH OF RELIEF) Then they said to wait back in the waiting area until he wakes up. Almost an hour goes by. I wasn't watching my phone. I just sat through most of two episodes of The Fresh Prince, one Tyler Perry's House of Payne and part of Home Improvement (aka Tool Time) so I knew approximately how long he'd been back there.

Then the nurse came out to get me. Tears start almost immediately as she explained that he was a typical teenager. She said after the anesthesia started to work, he fought them and repeatedly said he WAS NOT going to sleep - while he was asleep. I told her he knew Judo and I hoped he didn't do anything. Then they had a hard time getting him up. They'd move him or shake him but he'd fall right back asleep. They were hoping I could get him on his way. I ended up having to use a kleenex to wipe away all of my tears of laughter.

So I saw him and loved on him for a few seconds. Then I tried to get him to sip on Sprite and helped him get his shirt on. Zonked again. He'd wake up and fall right back down. Finally he was "to" but he asked the same questions over and over and over.

(You must imagine a slurred drunken pitch-ranged voice with "Him.")
Him: Hey...how'd I get my shirt on?
Me: Really? You asked me that not three minutes ago. I put it on your head and you put your arms in. I pulled it down for you.
Him: I did that?
Me: Yes.
Him: Whoooo brought me a Sprite?
Me: The nurse. You swallowed it. They got me after they were sure you could swallow.
Him: So you didn't bring me a Sprite?
Me: No, the nurse did.
Him: Sooooo what did I have? Did they fix it?
Me: Okay, this is like the fourth time, you have to take medicine and it will be better. It's an ulcer and a hernia.
Him: Howww did I get a hernia? What is a hernia? Can you get rid of a hernia?
Me: It's just like a weak spot on a balloon. Your stomach has a weak spot that pokes out.
Him: Huhhhh. (pause) But how'd my shirt get on?

Repeat the above at least 5 times before we got home. Oh, and that he didn't blink once.

Please tell me this is not how I'm going to be when I get old.